The ABC’s of letting go!

Sometimes letting go of past relationships can seem like an enormous battle. Yet amidst all the heartache, it can be done. Victoria Mills shows you how to create a fresh start.

So it’s been over for a while. You’ve tried your best not to ring him or see him. Perhaps you’ve done the opposite, and sought him out at every opportunity, and rung him when you knew you shouldn’t. Either way, you still can’t stop thinking about him, and although you may have tried various ways to distract yourself, you can’t get him out of your head. Unrequited love is frustrating, painful, and not that uncommon. It’s hard, and it hurts. But you can, and will eventually let him go and move on.
Don’t despair. Life will always bring us opportunities to create something new in our lives whether it’s a new job, new boyfriend, to travel and explore the world, or to have different experiences with new people coming into our lives. Nothing is permanent. Nothing stands still in life. Personal relationships can be the hardest thing to let go of if you still really love the person you are no longer with. When a relationship ends you have an opportunity to review the past dynamics and use it is a learning tool to create a future relationship that doesn’t repeat the past one.

There are three simple steps to create a blissful new relationship. The first is to ‘review,’ the second is to ‘reflect,’ and third is to ‘recreate.’ Firstly when you are in the process of letting go of a past love, don’t do this alone. Surround yourself with your girlfriends.

“With change comes growth, and when you grow, the person you should find at the end will be a beautiful and strong survivor.”

That’s what close friends are for. It’s okay to vent your feelings when you first break up with your partner, but be aware if you keep rehashing the same story for too long, they too will become tired of hearing about it. Spend time with your girlfriends to take your mind off things.

To start with, one simple tried and tested remedy is ‘doing girly things together’. Go shopping, have a girl’s night out, or take a weekend away. For most girls, close girlfriends can be like an extended family, and they will love you through the tough
times, but they need to see you are trying to help yourself. No matter how much people care, they do get sick of someone who’s not trying to help themselves. Throw yourself into work, hobbies, and recreation. Even if you can’t stop thinking about your ex, get out and live. It may not be helpful to start with, but after a while it can ease the heartache.


  • Were you  able to be yourself with this person and express yourself? If not, why not?
  • Was this person positive to be around?
  • Did you feel comfortable sharing thoughts with them?
  • Did they share similar values to yours?
  • Were you able to support each other in your common goals and aspirations?
  • Did they want the best for you?
  • Did you laugh with them?
  • What qualities didn’t you like in your partner?
  • How were those qualities expressed in the relationship?
  • What did you learn in the relationship about yourself?
  • What did your ex-partner indirectly teach you about yourself?
  • What would you do differently in the next relationship?

Once the relationship is over, it’s important you start rebuilding your life. Often when couples are together for a while, they’re worlds entwine and become one. So it’s normal to feel a little lost. Sometimes what you may be missing is the security of having a predictable and safe love and social life. Many people lose contact with their friends when they fall in love, and once it’s over they feel completely devastated at the loss of not just their ex, but of the life they gave up to be with them. And when it’s over, things are going to change dramatically. Letting go of the familiar change can sometimes be scary and very challenging, but it can also be wonderful. If change scares you, try and turn it around. Embrace change. With change comes growth, and when you grow, the person you should find at the end will be a beautiful and strong survivor.


  • Write your  feelings down into a journal and give yourself the space to express these
  •  Ask yourself what did you learn from the experience with your partner
  •  Make a list of these insights and put them somewhere – as a reminder to watch out for these next time around!
  • When you start to fantasize about your ex again, remind yourself of the real truth and reasons as to why the relationship ended.
  • Remind yourself how fabulous you are each day. More importantly, get your friends and family to remind you how fabulous you are each day
  • Do yoga or boxing (or both!) it’s a great way to get into your body and out of the noise in your head.
  • Be gentle and considerate with you – do things that nurture your soul and heart.
  • List who you are in life and what you need to let go, and decide upon what you are willing to commit to doing  about it. You can do this by writing a letter to release your truth, through emailing and sending it on, or writing it down on paper and having a goodbye burning ceremony. ‘A letting go party’ involves lots of candles and saying goodbye to the experiences where you felt hurt, angry and sad. It’s a great way to help you to move on.
  • Do a daily visualization – with your eyes closed, look at all the people and situations in your life you would like to let go of. Once you have them staring at you, standing on a stage, one by one say hello, tell them you are letting them go and send them off to be free with love. Set yourself free and those you love. Practice this before you go to sleep at night over 10 nights.
  • Another process is to write in journals, have some counseling or subconscious work, crying or meditation and prayer – find what you need to release the pain, frustration or anger, and allow yourself time to reach a place of forgiveness and let it go.

When we experience conflict or have had traumatic situations in our lives that have resulted in feelings of anger, hurt and sadness it can be easy to blame people or situations for making us feel we have been wronged in some way, and therefore difficult to let go and move into the future without a sense of holding on to the experience.

Secondly if you’ve tried everything and it’s been months, and you still find you can’t let go of your ex, you may need to seek out a therapist. You will probably find that the problem lies a lot deeper than the ending of a relationship. Talking with someone other than your friends, can often throw a new perspective on the situation, and you may find that there are other alternatives to help you move on. When we need to let go of someone we have outgrown, most of the time the person we need to let go of is ourselves – through forgiveness. Getting to the heart of the matter is often one of the most difficult things we face and a challenge worth undertaking. We often feel agitated and are unaware as to why. So by asking yourself some powerful questions, to really understand what you are feeling, you may feel a lot better and clearer about future relationships.

Thirdly, if you don’t take the time to reflect on your previous relationship then it’s more than likely you will repeat the same pattern. Your partner may look different on the outside but the relationship dynamics will be the same – which means ultimately it will end in tears. A good way to help you not to repeat the past is to spend time with a pen and paper and write out what was positive about the relationship and how it helped you grow as a person.


  • Ask yourself are you ready for a relationship? If not,that’s ok. Don’t force yourself to do anything you arenot ready to do. It’s important to take time out to heal from the ending of a relationship. !e grieving periodis as important as new beginnings. Take your time.
  • When your heart has healed and you are ready for a new relationship, write a vision of your idealpartner. What are the qualities you desire in your new partner?
  • What qualities would you like in your next relationship? List them all.
  • Lastly, what qualities do you need to improve within yourself, so you don’t repeat past behaviours?
  • Create a picture board/collage of how you want your relationship to look and feel. Cut out magazine pictures of happy people and couples and paste them onto a large piece of cardboard and add other pictures that represent the feel and look of the relationship you want i.e. couples laughing, going out for dinner, family pictures, and holidays together, a picture of a home you love. All these images represent your life with a new partner. Make sure these pictures represent you and your desires.
  • Visualise this new partner being in your life each day. Close your eyes and imagine you and your new partner.
  • Prayer is powerful. Ask the universe to send you an amazing new partner you can have fun with and share a life with!
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