New Year’s resolutions

Motivational Expert Victoria Mills joined TODAY to discuss how to stick to our New Year’s resolutions.

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Sometimes letting go of past relationships can seem like an enormous battle. Yet amidst all the heartache, it can be done. Victoria Mills shows you how to create a fresh start.

So it’s been over for a while. You’ve tried your best not to ring him or see him. Perhaps you’ve done the opposite, and sought him out at every opportunity, and rung him when you knew you shouldn’t. Either way, you still can’t stop thinking about him, and although you may have tried various ways to distract yourself, you can’t get him out of your head. Unrequited love is frustrating, painful, and not that uncommon. It’s hard, and it hurts. But you can, and will eventually let him go and move on.
Don’t despair. Life will always bring us opportunities to create something new in our lives whether it’s a new job, new boyfriend, to travel and explore the world, or to have different experiences with new people coming into our lives. Nothing is permanent. Nothing stands still in life. Personal relationships can be the hardest thing to let go of if you still really love the person you are no longer with. When a relationship ends you have an opportunity to review the past dynamics and use it is a learning tool to create a future relationship that doesn’t repeat the past one.

There are three simple steps to create a blissful new relationship. The first is to ‘review,’ the second is to ‘reflect,’ and third is to ‘recreate.’ Firstly when you are in the process of letting go of a past love, don’t do this alone. Surround yourself with your girlfriends.

“With change comes growth, and when you grow, the person you should find at the end will be a beautiful and strong survivor.”

That’s what close friends are for. It’s okay to vent your feelings when you first break up with your partner, but be aware if you keep rehashing the same story for too long, they too will become tired of hearing about it. Spend time with your girlfriends to take your mind off things.

To start with, one simple tried and tested remedy is ‘doing girly things together’. Go shopping, have a girl’s night out, or take a weekend away. For most girls, close girlfriends can be like an extended family, and they will love you through the tough
times, but they need to see you are trying to help yourself. No matter how much people care, they do get sick of someone who’s not trying to help themselves. Throw yourself into work, hobbies, and recreation. Even if you can’t stop thinking about your ex, get out and live. It may not be helpful to start with, but after a while it can ease the heartache.

DON’T REPEAT PAST EXPERIENCES; REVIEW, REFLECT AND CHANGE

• Were you  able to be yourself with this person and express yourself? If not, why not?
• Was this person positive to be around?
• Did you feel comfortable sharing thoughts with them?
• Did they share similar values to yours?
• Were you able to support each other in your common goals and aspirations?
• Did they want the best for you?
• Did you laugh with them?
• What qualities didn’t you like in your partner?
• How were those qualities expressed in the relationship?
• What did you learn in the relationship about yourself?
• What did your ex-partner indirectly teach you about yourself?
• What would you do differently in the next relationship?

Once the relationship is over, it’s important you start rebuilding your life. Often when couples are together for a while, they’re worlds entwine and become one. So it’s normal to feel a little lost. Sometimes what you may be missing is the security of having a predictable and safe love and social life. Many people lose contact with their friends when they fall in love, and once it’s over they feel completely devastated at the loss of not just their ex, but of the life they gave up to be with them. And when it’s over, things are going to change dramatically. Letting go of the familiar change can sometimes be scary and very challenging, but it can also be wonderful. If change scares you, try and turn it around. Embrace change. With change comes growth, and when you grow, the person you should find at the end will be a beautiful and strong survivor.

TIPS FOR LETTING GO

• Write your  feelings down into a journal and give yourself the space to express these
•  Ask yourself what did you learn from the experience with your partner
•  Make a list of these insights and put them somewhere – as a reminder to watch out for these next time around!
• When you start to fantasize about your ex again, remind yourself of the real truth and reasons as to why the relationship ended.
• Remind yourself how fabulous you are each day. More importantly, get your friends and family to remind you how fabulous you are each day
• Do yoga or boxing (or both!) it’s a great way to get into your body and out of the noise in your head.
• Be gentle and considerate with you – do things that nurture your soul and heart.
• List who you are in life and what you need to let go, and decide upon what you are willing to commit to doing  about it. You can do this by writing a letter to release your truth, through emailing and sending it on, or writing it down on paper and having a goodbye burning ceremony. ‘A letting go party’ involves lots of candles and saying goodbye to the experiences where you felt hurt, angry and sad. It’s a great way to help you to move on.
• Do a daily visualization – with your eyes closed, look at all the people and situations in your life you would like to let go of. Once you have them staring at you, standing on a stage, one by one say hello, tell them you are letting them go and send them off to be free with love. Set yourself free and those you love. Practice this before you go to sleep at night over 10 nights.
• Another process is to write in journals, have some counseling or subconscious work, crying or meditation and prayer – find what you need to release the pain, frustration or anger, and allow yourself time to reach a place of forgiveness and let it go.

When we experience conflict or have had traumatic situations in our lives that have resulted in feelings of anger, hurt and sadness it can be easy to blame people or situations for making us feel we have been wronged in some way, and therefore difficult to let go and move into the future without a sense of holding on to the experience.

Secondly if you’ve tried everything and it’s been months, and you still find you can’t let go of your ex, you may need to seek out a therapist. You will probably find that the problem lies a lot deeper than the ending of a relationship. Talking with someone other than your friends, can often throw a new perspective on the situation, and you may find that there are other alternatives to help you move on. When we need to let go of someone we have outgrown, most of the time the person we need to let go of is ourselves – through forgiveness. Getting to the heart of the matter is often one of the most difficult things we face and a challenge worth undertaking. We often feel agitated and are unaware as to why. So by asking yourself some powerful questions, to really understand what you are feeling, you may feel a lot better and clearer about future relationships.

Thirdly, if you don’t take the time to reflect on your previous relationship then it’s more than likely you will repeat the same pattern. Your partner may look different on the outside but the relationship dynamics will be the same – which means ultimately it will end in tears. A good way to help you not to repeat the past is to spend time with a pen and paper and write out what was positive about the relationship and how it helped you grow as a person.

TIPS TO ATTRACT AND CREATE A NEW HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP

• Ask yourself are you ready for a relationship? If not,that’s ok. Don’t force yourself to do anything you arenot ready to do. It’s important to take time out to heal from the ending of a relationship. !e grieving periodis as important as new beginnings. Take your time.
• When your heart has healed and you are ready for a new relationship, write a vision of your idealpartner. What are the qualities you desire in your new partner?
• What qualities would you like in your next relationship? List them all.
• Lastly, what qualities do you need to improve within yourself, so you don’t repeat past behaviours?
• Create a picture board/collage of how you want your relationship to look and feel. Cut out magazine pictures of happy people and couples and paste them onto a large piece of cardboard and add other pictures that represent the feel and look of the relationship you want i.e. couples laughing, going out for dinner, family pictures, and holidays together, a picture of a home you love. All these images represent your life with a new partner. Make sure these pictures represent you and your desires.
• Visualise this new partner being in your life each day. Close your eyes and imagine you and your new partner.
• Prayer is powerful. Ask the universe to send you an amazing new partner you can have fun with and share a life with!

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Article was published in Australian Natural Health

It’s estimated that over 20 per cent of all pregnancies end in miscarriage, with many women not even aware they were pregnant to begin with. Miscarriage in early pregnancy is often misunderstood, however, it is a common experience that affects not only the lives of women, but their partners, other children and their families too.

The loss of a baby, whether in the early or late stages of a pregnancy, is usually sudden and unexpected. For many women, grieving that loss is something that is experienced alone and in isolation.

Many women feel confused and distressed by the sense of having no real control over the pregnancy, particularly when they believe they were doing their very best by taking folic acid, eating healthy foods, not drinking alcohol, doing yoga, meditating, trying to reduce stress.

So how do you grieve and process your loss? We have to remember that grief is a part of life and that sometimes the loss of a pregnancy is a part of the life cycle. We cannot control it nor can we hold onto it, and despite hundreds of women undergoing this experience, it can be a very private time, often involving deep, personal grief.

Grieving a miscarriage needs to be encouraged in a supportive and loving environment. The emotional needs of the mother and father need to be expressed so that they feel they are moving forward, and not locked in their grief. If there are other children in the family environment, they may experience feelings of loss and sadness that need to be acknowledged and heard.

Dealing with grief is no longer something ‘you do’ behind close doors, nor is it something you need to do alone. The grief feelings of loss in a miscarriage are one of the most difficult emotions to process.

Like all emotions undealt with or ignored, grief can lead to stress, feelings of being out of control, anger, rage and feelings of blame. Negative thoughts such as the miscarriage being your fault; not being a good role model as a woman; it was your responsibility and feelings of failure may add to other destructive responses. All of which can lead to depression and anxiety, which can cause subsequent relationship breakdowns and unhappiness, preventing you from moving forward, and experiencing life after a miscarriage, in a positive and powerful manner.

Grief can be a shared experience and often brings a greater sense of closeness and intimacy between those who talk and share their sadness with friends and family. Support groups such as SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome) and SANDS (Stillborn and Neonatal Death Society) are just two of the wonderful networks available. The service is also available for family and friends who want to support loved ones in powerful and practical ways, to help all involved and transform feelings of powerlessness to empowerment.

 “Sadness and a sense of isolation linger for what can feel like an eternity.”

The intensity of emotions varies from person to person, day to day and may last a few days, weeks or many months. Grieving is an individual experience and what helps one woman, may not be supportive for another. After an early pregnancy loss, most parents grieve for the loss of the baby they were expecting.

Common feelings include emptiness, anger and disappointment. Sadness and a sense of isolation linger for what can feel like an eternity. There is no quick fix when it comes to processing feelings of grief.

The journey of grief can be expressed in many ways. For many women the range of feelings include disbelief, denial, anger, wanting to know reasons why it happened, jealousy, disappointment, self-blame, guilt, loneliness, and doubts about future pregnancies. Grief is a natural and healthy response to loss and is not managed by being ignored or suppressed. It’s crucial you find outlets to express your grief in your unique way.

Women generally find it easier to express their grief, while men can be often overlooked in the grieving process. If this is happening, ask your partner how they are feeling and find out if they have any special ways that they would like to express their sadness. Encourage your partner to join a support group and together discover ways to gain closure and eventually move forward after the sadness and grief is expressed in a healthy and positive way.

Many woman have gained enormous strength and courage from their miscarriage loss and realise grief doesn’t need to be a lonely or shameful experience.

Reach out to other women who have gone through similar situations and draw strength from their experience to help gain clarity and understanding that it wasn’t your fault, or that your body has failed you in some way.

Life is a cycle of experiences and feelings. Strength can be drawn from the knowledge that resolution does not lie in finding the answers; it is ultimately in finding acceptance to an event that was beyond our control.

The sadness and loss needs to surface: surrender to it, love it, own it because it is a part of you that wants to be expressed and be released. With this knowledge, you can move through this with love, dignity and grace.

Three NSW women share their personal stories

Maria Andrews, 33: “We lost twins at 20 weeks, it was very sudden. You don’t prepare yourself for losing babies so late in pregnancy. I gained a lot of strength from my husband during this time as we shared the same loss and sadness. We spent time together and supported each other by talking and emotionally holding each other during those next few weeks. Our family and friends openly supported us.

“They let us share our sadness by talking, crying and just caring about us. They brought food, came to visit us and we felt totally helped and loved by our family. We were lucky with our support — there are many women who don’t reach out for support and then blame themselves for the pregnancy loss. We now have a healthy eight-month-old son and he is a daily reminder of how precious life is.”

Margaret Ricky, 38: “After having a healthy baby girl I naturally thought falling pregnant with a second baby would be easy, but after experiencing four subsequent miscarriages, in a second, you go from being pregnant and have the joy that comes from being pregnant again, to not being pregnant, and then feeling lost and alone. In that single moment, your hopes and dreams vanish and you are left with an empty feeling and are overwhelmed by grief.

“Buddhism helped me get closure for my loss and grief. I felt I was able to connect with each lost baby and name her, talk with her and connect spiritually. This gave me strength in facing each day after each miscarriage, and also the clarity to not try to get pregnant again. Spiritually I continue to grow and believe there is a universal plan. My comfort comes from believing those little souls just were not ready to be in human form, but I’m happy they chose me.”

Ellen Reece, 32: “I thought I had failed as a woman. All I saw around me after my miscarriage was other healthy pregnant women, but then after I spoke to others in a support group, I quickly realised I hadn’t failed. Miscarriage is very common yet being pregnant for the first time I wasn’t aware of this. I didn’t realise there were such wonderful support groups out there which helped me to nurture my partner and myself during our grief.

“They gave us strength, understanding and the ability to find acceptance. Miscarriage isn’t failure, nor is someone’s fault. It isn’t because you were overweight or too skinny or because you had a drink or was stressed. The pregnancy failed due to events out of your control: life.”

NATIONAL SUPPORT GROUPS

SANDS – Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Society

www.sands.org.au
Tel: 03 9899 0217

Support to parents and families who experience reproductive loss through miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, stillbirth and neonatal death.

SIDS and Kids

www.sidsandkids.org
Tel: 1300 308 307

24-hour bereavement support line: 1800 651 186

SIDS and Kids provides bereavement support to families who have experienced the death of a child from conception to six years of age regardless of the cause. This includes miscarriage, stillbirth and neonatal death.

Bereavement Care Centre

www.bereavementcare.com.au
Tel: 1300 654 556

Bonnie Babes Foundation

www.bonniebabes.melbourneitwebsites.com
Tel: 03 9803 1800

Non-profit organisation established to counsel families grieving after the loss of a baby from miscarriage, stillbirth or prematurity.

Centre for Grief Education

www.grief.org.au
Tel: 03 9265 2100 or 1800 642 066

Provides a free bereavement and counselling service, information, a library and sales of the sympathy pin.

The Compassionate Friends

www.thecompassionatefriends.org.au
Tel: 02 9290 2355 or 1800 671 621

Phone support, drop-in centre, support groups and library for bereaved parents and siblings, run by bereaved parents
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Article was published in Australian Natural Health

People from all walks of life share an innate drive for meaning, direction and purpose. Yet in our daily lives there may be a feeling of loss or, of something missing. It may feel like a puzzle with missing pieces or that you have a sense that there is something you are meant to do with you life, but can’t quite grasp what it is. We work, rest, eat, play and sleep, make money and spend it, have pleasures and challenges, but our recognition of our life purpose still eludes us.

This drive to understand our life purpose seems as important to our own psychological growth as eating is to our biological survival. We are often driven by the question: “What is my life purpose?”

Although the other thought is that many of us don’t consciously recognise or acknowledge that we even have a specific life purpose. Yet our subconscious knows what we are here to do. It reaches out to us in so many different ways, sending messages to us through our dreams, intuitions, and innermost longings.

If you are still questioning whether you are living your purpose or don’t understand why you are feeling ‘empty’ inside, a simple test is to review the questions below and check in with yourself to give the inspiration to move forward and start to explore living your purpose.

Reflection questions:

• I often feel unenthusiastic about going to work.
• I have often wondered if there was more for me out there.
• I like my work but feel my talents are wasted.
• My real meaning comes in the things that are outside my work.
• I want to be really passionate about what I do with my life, not just going through the motions.
• I want to feel I have made a difference with my life.
• If you answered yes to more than one of these questions, it’s time to create an action plan and get you living!

For many people, we think that when we ‘find’ what our life purpose is, it will bring untold peace, happiness and joy into our lives. Rarely do we see that unfold. Other questions such as “What am I meant to be doing?” followed by “What job will keep me satisfied?” or “I will be happy when I find my life purpose but I don’t know what it is!” are raised, but go unanswered.

All these common questions are asked by thousands of people everyday, yet we often fail to see the signs along our own unique path, often guiding us right to the answers we seek — to discover what our life purpose is. After all, isn’t that the point of being a human being? Going beyond the boundaries of what life seems to offer us each day, and truly questioning our existence and our ultimate purpose living on this chaotic yet extraordinary planet?

The call of our destiny manifests our deepest drives and desires and abilities — often the hidden force behind our personality. For those of us who openly search for our deepest desires and qualities, these drives and desires shape our career and relationships and influence the quality and direction of our life.

We all do have something unique that makes us special. What I think we need to do is value whatever that is. It might be to make people laugh, to be a wonderful homemaker, a great lover, an ideas person, a singer, a superb listener, or a beautiful face that graces magazine covers.

Discovering what it is you are good at, what you love and accepting your gifts is such as magical discovery. So many of us have these great gifts like being able to make craft items, or a the abilities of being a fabulous dressmaker and we judge it and say, “But that isn’t it. I want to be a movie star,” or “How do I make lots of money using this?” We reject what is our gift so often and do not value what makes us special.

We all have different purposes and abilities to ‘live’ our life purpose. So what is it that you bring to life that is special about you and adds a contribution to the planet and to your life? Spend time really noticing what it is for you.

Another point to note here is when you start to identify your gifts and what you love to do it is wise to push it one step further and identify exactly what is it about you that you bring to the world.

What is it you bring to your family? What is it you bring to work? What is it you bring to your partnerships and friendships? It may be different in differing places but there will most likely be a theme.

Spend time asking yourself what is it I am here to do? We often get stuck here thinking it has to be grand and exciting. Be honest with yourself about what makes your heart sing. The main thing to remember is that it will come in the humblest of ways and that you need to start somewhere.

“The drive to understand our life purpose seems as important to our own psychological growth as eating is to our biological survival.”

Steps to discover your life purpose:

1. Know what your gifts are

As a magical spiritual being we must become aware of what makes us special. We know we are all special but what is it about me that is uniquely mine and something I can share in the world? We all have love and light to share but there might be other gifts you can share with the people whom you touch. Start to distinguish what are your gifts. Start looking at your life and the things you have loved to do and when you were happiest.

One of the most important things we all forget to do is acknowledging self, daily or weekly — we have not been taught how to do this so the first step with YOU is to become aware and also acknowledge self. Take time out to congratulate you for everything you are and everything you do. As you do this you will find your mood lift and your energy improve. It is amazing how uncomfortable we feel doing this so watch your discomfort.

2. Discover who you are

• What do you love about yourself?
• What makes your special and unique?
• If your Mum, partner and best friend where to tell you five things that make you special what would they be? Ask for feedback.
• How often are you being who you love to be? In what areas of your life are you the beautiful version of who you are and where and with whom do you not allow this to shine?
• Acknowledge yourself daily — write five things that you want to acknowledge yourself for.
• What are your gifts? Why are you here?
• What are you passionate about?
• What makes your heart sing with joy?

3. Write a press release of you living your life purpose

Write a press release about you! What does your ideal day look like? Write a description of your perfect day in the life of you. Read back over your vision and print it out. Place it somewhere where you can read it each day and remind yourself of your desire to live your purpose.

Remember you love yourself 100 per cent when answering these questions.

• How would you feel about your appearance?
• How would you interact with others?
• How would others treat you?
• What hours do you work?
• How do you nourish your energy, body and mind?
• How would you act with colleagues, family and friends?
• How would you react to negative comments and situations?
• What would you choose to eat for meals?
• Describe the special time you spend with yourself everyday.

Example:

It’s December 2008 and I wake up every day, look at the beach and am so excited to start my day as a florist. I have 13 clients and my business is growing each week. I style beautiful homes with amazing flowers. I love going to the flower markets each day and choosing unique flowers for my clients. I love that my home is continually filled with scents of so many flowers! I wear casual yet chic clothes and it feels amazing to not have to wear a suit! I keep my own hours in my business and it allows me time to study and have free time to develop my skills and have fun! No matter what anyone says to me I believe in my dream and I am living it!

4. Create an action plan

Create an action plan of when you are going to start living your unique purpose.

If your purpose is to work with flowers and you have secretly desired owning your own florist and you want to decorate beautiful homes and bring happiness to yourself and those around you, then start being an example of this!

Example goal: I love styling flowers and decorating homes that bring happiness to others. By the end of October I am creating beautiful flowers for beautiful homes and have a successful thriving business!

Example action plan:

1. Write a vision of my ideal day. Is it a new business I want to start? Or a part-time weekend job? What is it I want to create? What do I need in order to get this started?
2. Approach three places and enquire about possible opportunities to donate my time to a flower shop and to gain experience.
3. Enquire about any florist courses that could help improve my skills.
4. Approach friends and ask if they know someone who could benefit from my new business idea.
5. Write a business plan.

5. Create a vision board of life purpose

Create a wheel of fortune, cut out pictures of everything you wish to create and ask that the higher power provide. Visualise this daily and imagine your success. Look at your wheel of fortune and see yourself experiencing all that you have on your vision board.

6. De-clutter

Get rid of what you do not want, this will make room for what you do WANT in your life and create the SPACE for it to come in. For example: clothes, people, furniture, debts, home, negative thoughts, unfulfilling job etc.

7. Work with a life coach

Working with a coach can help you discover your life purpose and what your gifts are. Studies have shown conclusively that people who take responsibility for their own lives, who have a sense of being in control of their life, are happier, healthier and ultimately more likely to achieve overall success.

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Article was published in Australian Natural Health

Couple time for me is made up of various ingredients, such as being present, listening to one another, loving and accepting each other, loving unconditionally and being in alignment with one another.

Couple time can also be made of different expectations that often are not met. Couple time is about making the effort for each other and is about loving one another – does your partner know how you like to be loved? How do you love? Do you love your partner the way they like, or do you do it your way?

What do you do when you do have couple time? Do you fill the time and conversation with stuff such as talking about the kids or other family issues? When was the last time you spoke about you as a couple and were intimate through communication, rather than using sex as the vehicle?

With a few simple guidelines, make your time with your partner special, every time – not just on Valentine’s Day or special occasions. When you create regular time to communicate and connect with your partner it sends a powerful message to your loved one that they are special and important, and spending time together can build a unique bond, even amongst the chaos of kids!

Remember why you chose your partner. What made them special? Why did you notice them? Reflect on why you love them and remind yourself of this when challenges and pressures come along that may place a negative slant on life and how we feel about life, love, work, family and sex.

Whether it was conscious or unconscious choice in the beginning, your partner now has an important role in your life and your family. Like a garden, they need to be nurtured, watered and loved. The best, healthy relationships are like the botanical gardens, they get lots of admiration and attention everyday!

The guide to more passion and connection:

Set your agenda

If you want to discuss certain issues about kids or other family topics, do it at another time specifically set up to discuss family matters. Don’t try and squish it in between meals or brushing teeth and putting kids to bed. Give the conversation and your partner the respect they deserve.

Get a babysitter

Create couple time by having a regular sitter or friend watch over the kids on a regular night or weekend, so you can enjoy having a Sunday morning sleep in. Stay in bed, watch DVDs, have brekkie in bed, stay under the doona and enjoy!

Discover and learn

Find out what couple time is for your partner and create a win-win situation. Take it in turns choosing an activity and the following week swap. Choose a fun activity each week like bushwalking, bowling, fishing, skating, tennis or dancing. Ask your partner what they would like to discover about you and the best way they can learn about it.

Book a date

Each week book a regular babsitter and have a date with your partner. Together list the top 20 things you would like to experience each ‘date night’ and take turns choosing an event. It doesn’t have to be expensive or elaborate. A simple picnic packed with your favourite wine and snacks, taken to your favourite spot will create a positive space to chat and have a few laughs.

Be present

Clear your headspace, and take a few minutes to clear your head of the days events to allow yourself to be fully present with your partner so you can hear instead of just listen to the conversation. Doing multiple tasks like washing the dishes, ironing, driving the car and such whilst talking with your partner or loved one about an important issue isn’t really going to create a quiet space to talk. Make the time to talk and connect.

Get intimate

When was the last time you asked your partner to share something intimate? When was the last time you checked in and asked how they were feeling about an issue? Just because you have been with your partner for a long time, never assume what they are feeling or thinking. Always respect the relationship and give them the opportunity to share and express.

Be spontaneous

Plan a weekend away as a surprise. Book the kids in to your parents for the weekend and stay at home! Have you ever thought that staying at home without kids is just as much fun as going away?

Schedule time alone

Put in your diary some relaxation time each day to hang out with yourself and do something fun and loving for you. Encourage your partner to do this as well. When you have freedom within yourself and if you can make yourself happy first, it makes for a happier, more content and intimate relationship.

Choose

Create the relationship you deserve. You have a choice about how your relationship looks so choose to create one that is more loving and harmonious with your partner. Write a list of how you want your relationship to be and start to make changes so this becomes a reality. Often when we focus on negative thoughts such as, “my husband is never home… he never helps out with the kids… I never get time to myself… I am never appreciated.” It can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Stay focused on your ‘self talk’ and say to yourself how wonderful your partner is and how they appreciate you. Try this for a week and see what changes.

Love you

Acknowledge yourself daily with compliments for being a wonderful person, mum, partner, friend as well as finding special compliments to say each day to your children and partner. Don’t rely on your partner to tell you how special you are. Find it in yourself first, acknowledge you, appreciate, love you first. It’s amazing to notice the difference when you start to affirm just how loveable you are. Say to yourself, “I am loving, loved and loveable” everyday and notice the change inside yourself.

Have a date with your partner…A simple picnic packed with your favourite wine and snacks, taken to your favourite spot will create positive space to chat and have a few laughs.

 

Stop blame and criticism

Instead, ask for what you want in a clear, specific, and positive manner, and express appreciation for your partner. To elaborate: Partners need to feel competent — that they make a contribution and that it is noticed. Change from a critical habit of mind, to a positive one, in which you catch him doing something right.

Administer AAA

When your relationship starts to break down, you need AAA: an Apology, Affection, and a promise of Action. You say you’re sorry for what you’ve said or done to hurt or disappoint your partner. You immediately offer a hug, a kiss – some meaningful gesture of warmth. You promise to do something that matters to your partner.

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Article was published in Australian Natural Health

Life will always bring us opportunities to grow. The more we resist these opportunities the greater resistance we feel within ourselves and in our daily life.

When we experience conflict or traumatic situations that result in feelings of anger, hurt and sadness, it can be easy to blame people or situations for making us feel we have been wronged. Often, the person we need to forgive most is ourselves.

We project our painful and real emotions onto other people to avoid our own pain. This is expressed in blame, criticism and judgment. Instead, we could look at the unresolved emotions and focus on what we are learning rather than projecting blame and judgment. We are often trying so hard to avoid facing the pain, we think its easier to try to transfer these undesirable feelings onto others.

If you can take time to create forgiveness in your world, it will free your energy and assist you to heal and learn faster. While we harbour resentment or anger, we cripple our healing. The best way to be truly free is to resolve our emotional grief.

Emotional intelligence is a strong attribute and one that few of us spend time developing. As you grow and develop your emotional intelligence, it will impact your relationships and that is what life is about – how we relate to our Self and one another.

Be honest

Understanding our issues and being honest about what we do not forgive is critical. Speaking up for what we believe in and asking for what we want is critical to becoming an empowered human being. This is something many of us have to learn.

To be truthful in this we need to start paying attention to our inner voice, thoughts, body and spirit. Honouring our truth is a splendid feeling and a beautiful gift to ourselves.

However, sometimes our fears are so great we worry that facing them might change our lives, and that this change may be more frightening still. Instead, we live numb and pretend. Ideally you will start to feel your truth, experience it and know it within you – then decide when is right for you to speak it.

Live your truth

Imagine you have a controlling friend. Every time you’re together you feel angry and pushed around. You may feel helpless, walked over or disrespected. Look at this as an opportunity for growth by considering the questions:

• Why am I making that person wrong?
• Why am I judging them?
• What is this person teaching me to do/be?
• What do I have to stand for in my life?

Could it be perhaps that this friend reminds you of a parent or boss that pushed you around and you didn’t say anything? The gift of learning could be to speak up and say NO.

Instead of internalising the anger and frustration, express it. Tell them how you feel and set up new rules in the relationship by stating what is acceptable to you. Their behaviour is a mirror of what they have learnt and could be a way of covering their own fear of losing control.

Ask yourself:

• Do I know how to courageously ask for what I want?
•  Am I able to tell someone I love how unhappy I am?
• Can I tell someone I am hurting?

The best thing to do is to practise facing your own feelings. Then you will live life in alignment with what you value and you will feel comfortable facing the not so pretty parts of who you are and can start to embrace them.

When we are living life and wanting to also accept someone for who they are or accept a situation as it is, we often need to go through a process to feel no animosity to this person or situation and reach a place of real acceptance within.

Forgiveness and acceptance do not happen unless we face the truth of our Self in the situation. If you continually blame others, you will most likely find that acceptance is something that will not occur. If you take responsibility, seeing and feeling your contribution, I suspect you will find that the issue will unravel itself at an unconscious and conscious level and you will one day find a place of acceptance.

Exercises to Forgive:

• Are you carrying out truth in your life? It does not always have to involve you speaking up but can mean you have spoken up to yourself – telling ourselves the truth is what gives us freedom within. List with whom, and in what areas of your life the truth prevails and where is it non-existent. Decide what you are willing to commit to doing about it.
• You could write a letter to release your truth, email and send it on, or write it down on paper and have a goodbye burning ceremony. Throw your own TRUTH PARTY with lots of candles and saying goodbye to the experiences where you felt hurt, angry and sad.
• Another technique is visualisation – close your eyes and visualise the people in your life who have wronged you and you would like to forgive. Imagine them staring at you standing on a stage and one by one say hello, tell them you forgive them, and send them off to be free with love. Set yourself free and those you love. Practise this before you go to sleep each night for 10 nights.

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Victoria Mills is a conscious coach and trainer, working with individuals and teams, inspiring and igniting the human spirit in work and life. Email questions to victoria@victoriamills.com

Article was published in Australian Natural Health

We live in a time of great choice with many options in front of us, and sometimes we become distracted from what our hearts truly desire.

Living life the way you want instead of being on the society treadmill can be a daunting task and few of us really take the time to ask ‘What is it that I want in my life?’

The problem is that so many of us strive for success and often find it but feel unfulfilled when we get there; or we feel fulfilled but never reach our vision of success.

But what is it that you want to create for your life? There is no universal version of success. What we often do is judge one another based on our definition of success, which is limiting for ourselves as well as to those we judge.

One person might feel successful if they have a husband, two kids, a job and own their own home. Another person might feel that success is making $2 million dollars a year; to someone else it might be to have a balanced life or to be a loving and generous person.

Regardless of what you desire, it’s important to understand what your dream is and then identify how you can make it a reality. But remember, spend as much time on the ‘doing’ as on the ‘being’ – find time to create peace and fulfillment inside of yourself as you embark on this journey of creating success and happiness.

Change for growth

Do you often wonder why some people are successful yet others seems to struggle each day? Perhaps it’s because those who are living their version of success and happiness were committed to finding it. Creating change and letting go of negative patterns that may hinder you living your dreams can be tough to let go of without inner reflection on why you hold onto these toxic patterns.

Most people who reach all-time high points in life have embarked on an intense process of self discovery and change to make their dreams a reality. If you stay stuck in the same routines and patterns, it’s most likely that life will stay the same. If you embark upon change and take consistent action toward your dreams, it’s more than likely they will become reality. Even just writing your dreams and goals down gives you more of a chance to succeed than not doing anything.

Getting clear on what you want, taking consistent action, developing and having faith, and also continuing to grow and develop in most cases will create a successful life. But pretending to create change by doing an array of courses, lots of reading and finding wonderful ways to mask your growth will not create success – it will help you feel like you’re getting there but you won’t create it.

If you stuck stuck in the same routines and patterns, it’s most likely life will stay the same.

The bottom line

You must want to change to succeed. Life doesn’t have to be a struggle. The journey is to define ourselves and recognise all of who we are and find our version of truth in our lives. If it’s not working, then let it fall away and step into the unknown, as scary as this can be.

A person who wants to create abundance or have a successful life is a person who gives of themselves, is full of love, thinks abundantly, believes there is always more than enough for us all, likes to share and gives and receives freely.

Getting started

The main place to start is to ask yourself, ‘Am I living from an impoverished mindset? Am I worthy of this job (or whatever your goal is)? Is my heart full of fear and limitation?’ Watch how your thoughts give you the answers to how you create your version of success and happiness and enjoy the ebb and flow that life brings.

Plan of attack

Below is a monthly guide focusing on specific actions each week to help you come closer to your dreams, goals and desires. The more you focus on what you want (and not on what you don’t want), your intentions and goals will manifest effortlessly by the more energy you put into this. Spare a few minutes to read the lists below and commit to doing one action a day, then observe what happens!

Weekly plan for success

Week One

• Write down your intention or desire every day for at least 21 days out of 30 or 31 and commit your goals to paper – you’re more likely achieve them quickly and easily.
• Memorise your favourite ongoing intentions and chant them everyday such as: “I create effortlessly, I am more confident, I have my dream partner in my life now, I am working in my ideal job, I have a new, healthy body,” etc.
• Write a vision of how your desires would look in your life and use positive language when you think, speak and write about them. Remember that what you think about is what you bring about.
• Remove negative statements such as ‘In the past…’ or ‘Up until now…’
• Write in your diary what you would like to happen within four weeks and check back with what you wrote after that time.

Week Two

• Before you start your day, close your eyes and imagine your dreams have manifested in your life and see yourself enjoying the new job, relationship, peace, happiness, etc.
• Check your energy level each evening and make sure that you are energised enough.
• Record your intention or desire and listen to it everyday.
• Remember that fear is just an acronym for ‘Forgetting Everything’s All Right’. ? Before you close your eyes at night, write down one thing you’re grateful for in your life.
• To multiply your manifestations and blessings, keep track of all the tiny miracles occurring.

Week Three

• What do you admire about your role models? How did they achieve those things?
• Before you get out of bed, visualise your goals actually happening in your life.
• Make a point to hang out with positive role models.
• Appreciate what you have – write a gratitude list each day of things you are grateful for.
• Identify any reoccurring patterns you continually face that may be preventing you from manifesting your desires. Tell people your goals and ask them to help you reach them.

Fear is just an acronym for ‘Forgetting Everything’s All Right’

Week Four

• Before you get out of bed, think about your goals and visualise them becoming real.
• Create a desire collage and collect pictures, words, etc., and stick them onto a piece of cardboard – this will represent all the things, people and experiences you wish to have in your life. Look at it daily and know that you will create it all.
• Tell people your dreams and ask them to help you reach them.
• Stay focused on what you want.
• Get rid of what you don’t want – this will make room for what you do want in your life and create the space for it to come in. ? Check your intention and goals list – is there anything else you could be doing differently to help you achieve them?
• Make a commitment to find solutions whenever you feel challenged.
• Relax and enjoy what you’re creating

And finally, check back in your diary and re-visit what you wrote in Week One and see how much closer you’ve come to living your dreams – or maybe you’re already there!
Victoria Mills is a life coach, working with individuals and teams, inspiring and igniting the human spirit in work and life. Victoria can be contacted at victoria@victoriamills.com

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Article was published in Australian Natural Health

This plan will not only boost your confidence, it will increase your energy levels, give you greater clarity of mind, plus provide a deeper knowledge of who you are. It will nourish your body, mind and soul, and will help you feel happier and more confident to step out of your shadow and into the light.

Long-lasting change starts on the inside. By focusing your attention and energy on your intentions, you will find that the how-to of achieving your them gets a lot easier. As you strengthen yourself from the inside out, you’ll literally start to shine and radiate a whole new you!

Increasing your self-esteem doesn’t need to take loads of time or money. Many of us think that developing self-esteem means having to run off to an expensive acting or singing class, and while this is a fun way to boost your confidence, you can still create powerful change all before leaving the house.

I encourage you to think about who you spend your time with. Do you hide in the background where you’re never heard? Do you value others’ opinions but never your own? Do you always

take the safe options? Do you trust yourself? Can you recall times when you felt confident?

It isn’t about changing who you are – it’s about embracing all of your positive aspects that have been cast aside for whatever reasons. We all have strengths, that’s the beautiful part of the human spirit, however, it’s about embracing all of our imperfections as well, and learning to recognise the beauty in these gifts.

Below are some suggestions of ways to create change and increase your confidence, working with the philosophy that long-lasting change starts inside. So let’s take a peek at ways you can increase confidence by embracing your body, emotions, energy, mind and spirit.

10 Ways To Boost Your Confidence

1 Vision

Write a script or vision of your ideal day or week feeling 100 per cent confident. If you’re not clear on how great you will look and feel being assertive and confident, then how will you create it? Start by thinking about how your new life will look and what will be different with you feeling confident.

Questions to help:

• What do I look like when I’m feeling confident? Do I smile more? Do I appear happier?
• What does my body language say about me? Do I walk with my head high and shoulders back? Or do I walk with my head looking down?
• What clothes do I wear? Do I wear clothes that reflect me feeling great? Or do I wear clothes that deflect my true self?
• How would I talk to colleagues and family while feeling confident?
• What type of relationships would I choose to have if I’m feeling confident? Do they support and nourish me? Do I feel good around these people?
• What nurturing activities would I choose to do while feeling good about myself?

2 Write a happy list

This is a simple exercise that’s very powerful. Try writing a list of everything that makes you happy – this could be anything from walking on the beach to having a long bath. Then at the beginning of each week, schedule at least one of these moments in your diary every day.

Allocate a specific time for it to ensure you’ll make it happen. With this simple system, your life soon becomes filled with many more enjoyable, happy moments. The more you focus on being happy, the more it will happen. 3Trust yourself Do you doubt yourself too often? Do you trust what other people have to say and act upon their opinions instead of trusting yourself? Listen to what your heart says and not what others think you should do or say. When we listen to what we want, it creates an immense sense of selfconfidence and putting our feelings and thoughts into action is more powerful. If you don’t listen and trust yourself, then who will?

Start by trusting one decision each day and watch how this simple exercise can increase your self-esteem. Watch how others’ opinions reflect your own – if others mistrust your judgement or opinions, it could just be a mirror reflection of what you truly feel about yourself.

Practise ‘inner knowing’ – knowing what will happen that day for you. In the morning, write a list of what you think will happen based on your intuition, then watch what unfolds.

4 Stepping out of your shadow

During this process of finding your confidence and self-esteem, take some quiet time and use your journal to review your past and present

circumstances, looking for clues as to why you have created repeated scenarios in your life that have kept you in your shadow and prevented you from shining.

Finish the below sentences…

• The people I stand in the shadow of are
• The reason for this is
• I stand in my own shadow because I fear
• The times I have shined my light and felt at my best were
• The one action I’ll take to step out of my shadow is
• The people I admire are
• I admire them because
• What steps can I take to surround myself with these people more often?

5 Food

Think about what you eat, as food can lift our energy levels and make us feel good. However, it can also have the opposite effect. If we eat too many processed foods, ie. white sugar, carbohydrates, etc., we may get a quick energy boost but may feel tired shortly after. We may even get headaches, stomach cramps, and long-term this can sometimes lead to depression among other illnesses.

Do you drink alcohol or smoke? Do you consume more than two litres of water each day to replenish your body? Do you eat enough vegetables, and fruit etc.? Check in with yourself to see if the things you eat and drink are suitable for your body.

6 Energy

What activities boost my energy? What exercise do I do each day? Which people or friends boost my energy? Who or what situations drain my energy? How can I avoid putting myself in these situations? Can I say no more often?

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We are often wrongly taught to evaluate our worth externally and let others’ opinions of us dictate how we feel

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7 Play

How much fun do you experience each day? Do you laugh? Here are some ideas to introduce fun and laughter in your life and have a giggle… slide on a swing, eat an ice-cream, cuddle a baby or kitten, laugh, watch a funny video, go to the beach, go ice skating, hang out with

your friends, etc.

Action plan

Commit to focusing on new things each week and change what isn’t working for you.

8 Express your love

In the hustle and bustle of our busy lives, it’s easy to forget to take the time to show our love for those we care about. Ask yourself: Who are the five most important people in the world I most care about and when was the last time I told them?

How often do you tell yourself you are fabulous, clever or beautiful? How often do you take time out to nurture yourself and take responsibility for your own self-love? When we start to really love who we are on the inside, often the world reflects this back to us effortlessly. We are often wrongly taught to evaluate our worth externally and let others’ opinions of us dictate how we feel – is this you?

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Practise self-love by pampering yourself

with a relaxing massage

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Suggestions for self-love:

• Tell others how much you love them
• Have an aromatherapy bath.
• Pamper yourself with a massage.
• Paint your toenails pink.
• Put a facial mask on at home.
• Walk in the rain.
• Watch a sunrise or sunset and write how it makes you feel.
• Dance at home when no-one is watching.
• Sing like no-one is listening.
• Let people close to you know how you like to be loved.

9 Take a risk

Do something that pushes you out of your comfort zone, ie. join a drama, dance or art class and stretch your mind and body into unfamiliar

territory and acknowledge your effort in doing this. How great will you feel once you have done something new that challenged you?

You are an amazing person who has many gifts to give, however, if you don’t recognise them, who else will? Start by loving and nourishing yourself without relying on others to do it for you.

10 Affirmations

Each night for 30 nights before you go to bed, write in a journal or say an affirmation mentally. It has been proven that saying or writing mantras or affirmation increases your chances of creating that intention in your life – give it a try and see what happens.

Say each day:

I am confident and love life!

You have nothing to lose and only confidence to gain so why not follow this step-by-step guide to help you gain the confidence you need to live your life to your utmost potential?

Victoria Mills, life coach and trainer, is a contributor to Australian Natural Health magazine and offers courses for people looking to grow and powerfully create change in their life. Want Victoria to answer a question?

Email victoria@victoriamills.com.

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Article was published in Australian Natural Health

Time is the most over-used excuse yet the most underutilised tool. Time is a very fascinating thing since it is something that controls our life if we don’t create a healthy relationship with it. So many of us hate time and resent it, yet others thrive on having everything scheduled.

What is your relationship with time like?

It is important to understand your pattern with time. The majority of us rely on time to some degree in our lives, whether it’s running the kids around or attending a meeting.

Are you one of those people who are always late or are you always on time? Do you have the best intention of wanting more time but fill up any available space with extra clutter and activities and end up more exhausted?

Do you use time as an excuse?

So many people use time as an excuse, for example: “I can’t make it, I’m so busy, I don’t have time”. Notice what we do is make time the problem instead of looking at ourselves. We all know if we want to be somewhere we will be there. If we really want to make it to a movie or catch up with friends we make it on time don’t we? So, when you are avoiding making appointments or turning up late for meetings then maybe there is something else going on for you to look at. Instead of using time as an excuse, be honest and look at the underlying reason for this pattern because in the long-run, it may create more time and a greater sense of space in your life and work.

How to create more ‘you’ time

TIME-OUT - Ask yourself, ‘Is it okay to have space and time in my day?’ If not, why not? Schedule time-out in your diary and give yourself permission to re-connect and re-fresh.

PRIORITISE - Get clear on your priorities and list important daily/weekly activities you want to complete and set the intention before the end of each day.

STRUCTURE - Structure your week and block regular activities ie. gymtime/admin/meetings/paying bills etc. on specific days and times, as this helps to focus your energy and thoughts; instead of spreading out these activities over several days.

THOUGHTS – Do you think you have loads of time or a lack of time? Thoughts have power over your day so what are you choosing to create? What are your thoughts about time? Do you love time or resent it? To what extent does time have control over you?

AFFIRMATIONS - Say positive mantras such as: “I have more than enough time”, or “My day flows effortlessly”.

CHANGE - Ask yourself: ‘What can I do differently to create more space and have time work for me? Do I use time as an excuse? Do I cancel appointments and reschedule meetings?’

SAY NO - Give yourself permission to say no to demands from friends, family, work colleagues, etc. Create stronger boundaries so people know what you are and aren’t prepared to do.

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Victoria Mills is a transformational coach and trainer, teaching and coaching individuals to embrace and develop themselves emotionally, financially, physically and spiritually.

Article was published in Australian Natural Health

How many excuses did you use last year that prevented you from achieving your goals and desires? When a new year comes we can often trick ourselves into thinking that this year things will be different. But what will you do differently this year to get what you want out of life?

One suggestion is to find the ideal lifecoach and commit to a block of coaching sessions. Coaching can help you identify the areas in your life that you are not happy or satisfied with. By working with a powerful lifecoach you can identify your limiting beliefs and patterns that don’t support your goals and desires. Sometimes we play out different characters in ‘our movie of life’, yet we keep creating the same story with the same outcome. Even though the characters look different – we still create the same pattern. Sound familiar?

Life-coaching can help you identify the areas you would like to change. Try this balance checklist and see how you score.

Your score will show you areas which may need improvement (the higher the better).

Lifecoaching is powerful because it helps you start taking responsibility for your life. ‘Get’ that you have a choice about how you live your life, how you spend your time and what you do with your life. Learn to say no, schedule less and cancel non-urgent appointments. Spend more time doing the things you love to do.

Create a daily or weekly checklist of all the things you want to do. It might be playing a game of squash each week, having a regular catch-up with a girlfriend over a cuppa, sitting in the sun and reading you favourite novel or having a soak in the bath with lots of bubbles and a glass of chilled wine after the kids have gone to bed.

Balance is all about taking time out for you to love and nurture who you are. This way you can be the best mum, dad, grandparent or carer and have fun doing it!

Victoria Mills is a transformation lifecoach and teacher for The McIntyre System, offering a variety of courses for people who are looking to grow emotionally, financially and spiritually.

Balance Checklist

Score yourself out of 10

• I have nourishing relationships.
• I believe I can support myself financially, physically, emotionally and spiritually.
• I am happy with my appearance.
• I visit the dentist, optometrist and doctor for regular check-ups.
• I take time out each day for me.
• I have at least three holidays/breaks per year.
• I leave work at work.
• There are no outstanding issues or problems that have not been resolved.
• I do not chase my tail in terms of not having enough time.
• I regularly treat myself each week to something I enjoy.

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Article was published in Women’s Fitness & HEALTH